Hilarious Break Up Letter (From Ate Kot)

Dear K,

I don't really know how to tell you this,but I'm joining the convent. I think I realized it when I tripped on peanut butter under the bus and I saw you carve your initials into my illegitimate child in Ghana. I'm sure you're frostbitten enough to understand that your smell makes me vomit. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep your left ear as a memory. You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and you ruined my attempts at another world war.

Best of luck on the sex change,
Jermy


Here's how you do it:

Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
Name


Equivalent to the numbers are an array of sentences for your choosing. See below.

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Other - With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Other -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself

Me

1. a picture of you in your room















2. a picture with someone you really don't like



3. a picture of you very drunk



4. a picture of you on your birthday



5. the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form



6. a picture of you in one of your favorite outfits



7. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera



8. a picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive



9. a picture of a night you regret



10. a picture of you being truly yourself



11. the most recent picture of you



12. a picture of you being absolutely ridiculous



13. a picture of you showing off a new haircut/color



14. a picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't



15. a picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is



16. a picture of you when you were anything but happy



17. a picture of you that you had no idea was being taken



18. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now



19. a picture of you with someone you love



20. a picture of how you'd like the world to see you.



21. a picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day



22. a picture of a time when everything was changing



23. a picture that makes your head hurt



24. a picture that makes your heart smile



25. photo with oldest friends



26. Photos with newest friends

Spell!

S P E L L Y O U R N A M E !

It’s harder than you think.

In songs:

J aded

O ne Last Song

E verywhere

M oney Honey

Y our Love

In movies:

J ust Got Married

O ne More Chance

E ndo

M atilda

Y ou Got Served

In books:

J abberwocky

O dyssey

E l Cid

M emoirs of a Geisha

Y ellow Woman

In authors:

J ane Austen

O liver Todd

E dgar Allan Poe

M ary Hanna

Y oko Ono

In actors:

J ennifer Aniston

O wen Wilson

E mma Watson

M eryl Streep

Y ul Servo

In foods:

J elly

O kra

E xtra rice

M ojos

Y um Regular

In places:

J amaica

O longapo

E gypt

M anila

Y ugoslabia

Urbanidad

Instructions: Go to and www.urbandictionary.com type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the definition it gives you. I guarantee you're gonna find some pretty hilarious results.

1. your name: joemar

A young genderless object or tool which is found highly annoying in a situation of a large crowd of 10-15 people.

It has also been classified as a class A drug which is only illegal at such gathering as "house party's or "field party's".

It has been known to give such symptoms as piercing of skin on the lower region of the face (chin).

Also the main effect which comes in 12 to 24 hours after being infected is continuous usage of the statement which is know as "lying" this seems to be compulsory at this level. Others call it "Joeshit".

This does not just effect itself but others as it has been known to borrow large amounts of money and is unable to re-pay the money due to insufficient funds and the hiding of money to use at a later date to buy such items as alcoholic beverages.

In a wild surrounding filling with women this Joe-Mar maybe seen as dangerous and shows animal like characteristic by using an Irresistible gaze which stuns females and occasionally some males. After heavily tested by Doctor Carlito B (a 16 year old sasquach) he Quotes... that this is a case of "Player Fever".

Note if seen please alarm.... Oh sorry thats just my flirt alert.... Code Red he is out of site !!!!!!!!!!! LOL

(This first example must be sung to get the full effect)

"Because i know a joe that will get on your joe, joe joe i know a joe that will get on your joe and this is how it joes ......"

"Joeshit, Joe-Mar"

Seen is such films as...

"Harold & Joe-Mar Go to McDonalds"

"Harold & Joe-Mar Escape from brokeback mountain"

Joe-Mar's World 1&2 the complete epic

The Incredible Joe-Mar

2. age: 21

The age at which one is finally considered human.

The magical age where it is legally ok to get incredibly drunk. At this time, a young adult spends most of his free time consuming vast amounts of alcohol in a variety of forms, saying that they're "making up for lost years."

The magic number in the game of Blackjack.

Croupier: '21 - we have a winner'

CardShark: 'Pay me out my one-and-a-half, biatch'

3. one of your friends: kulay

she is the most amazing girl ever. she is my kulay!...i love her to death...she is a great friend and can always keep your secrets. she is the best at makin you laugh and wanna just get up and dance!

i love you!

<3>

kulay is a bird

the buttocks... sexy... a word christa and alex constantly use!

At the club.. some BLAT slapped Hevyns kulay.

4. what you should be doing: eating

1a. The action of consuming edible substances through one's orifice.

1b. Something skinny people enjoy far too much - or far too little.

1c. Something done too frequently by fat and/or ugly people without offsetting with exercise.

1d. A hopefully enjoyable process activating one's taste senses and used to chemically sustain or rejuvinate the body.

2. (slang) The action of oral sex.

3. (slang) To be hit, killed, destroyed, maimed, or otherwise thoroughly OWNED.

1a. He is eating pie.

1b. I can't believe that skinny kid won the eating contest.

1c. That fatass needs to stop eating.

1d. Eating that pizza was @!#$ing delicious.

2. Jenny and I were eating out last night.

3. That dumbass poser is EATING it! After eating 4 rounds from my Magnum, he enjoyed the taste of curb and boots.

5. favorite color: green

yes... it is most definitely referring to the marijuana... and also, upon occassion, any substance with similar uses. too, properly, of course, it is a golfing term, but that;s really not very much fun, now is it?

'yo, where da green at?'

6. favorite number: 47

A tall, bald, intimidating individual with a barcode tatooed on the back of his head. Usually wears a suit, tie and black gloves and is a hired killer. When not murdering people for money, he enjoys gardening.

In the game, "Hitman: Contracts," 47 gorrotes muthafuckas with no muthafuck'n remorse, biatch.

7. month of your birthday: april

derived from a month, used by parents who lacked creativity at the time of their daughters arrival

'gee, i just gave birth, what month is it again?... April you say..'

a female of wise words. Often regarded as a "panda" person. These types of females are very energetic and friendly, and when you see these types of girls down, you feel down too.

hey, dont feel so down. Thats not very april of you.

The 4th month of the year. In which National Marajuana Day is celebrated on the 20th. Is Avril in French.

"What's today?"

"April 20th"

"NATIONAL MARAJUANA DAY!!!"

"...pot head..."

8. last person you talked to: paulo

a portuguese man who quotes movies and can relate anything to sex.

Mike: "Dude, i had a great sandwich today"

Paulo: "I loooooooove vagina"

9. one of your nicknames: jermy

A small and curious fellow who constantly tries to be taller. But is still missed if other people fail to look down at the creature bouncing up and down.

Ooh, Christ, I nearly tripped straight over that Jermy. If I hadn't looked down...?

Bookworm

Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Tag 15 friends, including me because I'm interested in seeing what books my friends choose.

1. breaking dawn - stephenie meyer

2. eclipse - stephenie meyer

3. new moon - stephenie meyer

4. twilight - stephenie meyer

5. neverwhere - neil gaiman

6. the pelican brief - john grisham

7. tuesdays with morrie - mitch albom

8. the devil's eye

9. thin air

10. the best boys

11. gossip girl

12. the curious case of benjamin button

13. his touch is of ice

14. the sweet taste of desire

15. see you later

Guilty!

RULE 1

You can only say Guilty or Innocent.

RULE 2

You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you

and asks!

(So people reading this, if you want an explanation.. comment.)

Now, here's what you're supposed to do... And please do not spoil the

fun. Copy and paste this into your notes , delete my answers, type in

your answers and tag 20 of your friends to answer this. Then see what

happens.

**heres my twist, add another question at the end of the survey.

whatever that could be answered by "guilty" or "innocent" answer it.

then tag your friends :P happy tagging!

--

Asked someone to marry you?

- INNOCENT..

Been asked by someone to marry him/her?

- INNOCENT..

Kissed one of your Facebook friends?

- INNOCENT..

Danced on a table in a bar?

- GUILTY...

Ever told a lie?

- GUILTY!!

Had feelings for someone whom you can't have back?

- GUILTY!!

Ever kissed someone of the same sex?

- INNOCENT..

Kissed a picture?

- GUILTY!!

Slept in until 5 PM?

- GUILTY...

Fallen asleep at work/school?

- GUILTY...

Held a snake?

- INNOCENT..

Been suspended from school?

- INNOCENT..

Worked at a fast food restaurant?

- INNOCENT..

Stolen from a store?

- INNOCENT!!!

Been fired from a job?

- INNOCENT..

Done something you regret?

- GUILTY!!

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?

- GUILTY!!

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?

- INNOCENT!!!

Kissed in the rain?

- INNOCENT..

Sat on a roof top?

- GUILTY...

Kissed someone you shouldn't?

- GUILTY!!

Sang in the shower?

- GUILTY...

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

- GUILTY...

Shaved your head?

- INNOCENT..

Slept naked?

- GUILTY!!

Had a boxing membership?

- INNOCENT..

Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

- INNOCENT..

Been in a band?

- INNOCENT..

Shot a gun?

- INNOCENT..

Donated Blood?

- INNOCENT..

Eaten alligator meat?

- INNOCENT!!!

Eaten cheesecake?

- GUILTY...

Still love someone you shouldn't?

- INNOCENT!!!

Have/had a tattoo?

- INNOCENT!!!

Liked someone, but will never tell who?

- GUILTY!!

Been too honest?

- GUILTY!!

Ruined a surprise?

- GUILTY!!

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you cant walk

afterwards?

- GUILTY!!

Erased someone in your friends list?

- GUILTY...

Dressed in a woman's clothes (if your a guy) or man's clothes (if your

a girl)?

- GUILTY!!

Joined a pageant?

- GUILTY...

Been told that you're handsome or beautiful by someone who totally

meant what they said?

- GUILTY!!

Had communication w/ your ex?

- INNOCENT..

DATING Someone?

- INNOCENT!!!

Get totally drunk one night and you have an important exam tomorrow

morning?

- GUILTY!!

A total stranger treat you by paying your jeepney/tricycle fare?

- INNOCENT..

Get totally angry that you cried so hard?

- GUILTY!!

Sneaked into someone else's bedroom?

- INNOCENT..

Made out in a cubicle?

- INNOCENT..

Imagined/ Wanted to push someone off a flight of stairs?

- GUILTY!!

Liked someone far younger than you?

- GUILTY!!

Is addicted to body piercing?

- INNOCENT..

Plotted a surprise for someone special?

- GUILTY...

Always checks someone's profile in fb, fs, multiply and the like?

- GUILTY...!

Wants to forget someone but you couldn't.

- INNOCENT..

Ever cheated to your bf/gf (including past relationships)?

- INNOCENT!!

:p

On political advertisements.

Look at the advertisement of Mar Roxas, what is it all about? Nothing! Oh yeah, about the dreams of the kids, and what is he gonna do about it? Nothing! did he say any plans in the ad? NO! WTF! He just says "Lalaban Tayo!" To whom? For what? He sucked! Big time! His ad pales in comparison to Mayor Jejomar Binay's. Binay's ad is the one to beat! His ad has his pan and it shows the results of his governance in Makati City. Nad on Manny Villar's. Oh come on, does he really have to say that he paid for the plane tickets of the OFws. That is shit, man!